Mama’s Heart | A Care Package for Pregnancy Loss

One afternoon, my best friend called me as I was walking home from a yoga class and told me that her baby had died. I remember her voice, a calm and steady flow of disbelief, recounting how she had been waiting to feel that reassuring movement inside her belly. How she drank some juice and laid on her side and waited again. And how, finally, when there was no sign to assuage her fear, they went to the hospital. The ultrasound found no heartbeat. 

She was nearly full-term with her second son and we all were awaiting his arrival, thinking she would give birth any day. She delivered him two days later. The umbilical cord had become wrapped around his neck, but he was an otherwise perfect baby boy. She named him Malachi. 

I was not yet a mother and, though I grieved with her, I couldn’t begin grasp the oceanic depth of her loss. Even now as a mum of two, I don’t know it.

But being with her through that heartbreaking experience changed something in me. It made me realize that supporting women through childbirth and as new moms was calling me. It lead me to become a doula. And my work as a doula has played a huge part in creating Tenth Moon Mothercare.

On the first National Awareness Day for Pregnancy and Infant Loss on October 15th, 2016, I announced Mama’s Heart – a Tenth Moon care package created to help soothe the hearts of women who experience miscarriage and later loss. A portion of the proceeds from the sale of the package are donated to The Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) Network and their efforts to guide bereaved parents through their grief.

Some folks cautioned me against this special project, saying Tenth Moon is about taking care of mamas-to-be and new moms and talking about loss will be too upsetting. And I get that. But I’ll share one more to story to explain how I know this is right. A few days after my first baby was born, I received an email from a woman in our birth preparation class. Each family had emailed the group to share their birth story, and hers was the last. In her note, she explained how they had been waiting for everyone else to share their good news before writing to tell us that their baby had died shortly after he was born.

 I wept (and wept and wept) like I never had before. I held my baby close; I remember that her head was soaked in my tears. Because it was so overwhelmingly upsetting. But do I think that she should not have shared her story? That maybe, to save us all the sadness, she should have skipped sending the email? Not for a moment.  

 Tip-toeing around this very common experience only makes it more difficult and isolating. It’s hard to process this statistic, but one in four pregnancies ends in loss. That is a reality of human biology that the human heart must bear. My hope is that this care package will help to open the conversation around miscarriage and later loss, and create a way for family and friends to lovingly acknowledge and support these women.     

In the days and weeks after Malachi died, I remember my friend saying that beyond coping with bereavement itself, the hardest part about trying to carry on with life after her loss was that so many people said nothing.

Nothing.

Can you imagine? I hear this same deeply unsettling story again and again from women who experience loss. Women who are left with a profound sense of loneliness and isolation.

So, let’s talk. If you know someone who has experienced a miscarriage, later pregnancy or infant loss, here are three things you should do:

Acknowledge:

Let her know you are thinking of her. Make a phone call. Send a card. Skip the clichés (“Everything happens for a reason…”) and reminders that she can try again or has other children. This life lost, however brief, matters. It’s OK to stumble over your words or not know what to say. As human beings we protect ourselves from difficult emotions, like sadness and grief. It’s natural to feel uncomfortable talking about the loss of a pregnancy; the death of an infant.

Support:

Encourage her to reach out to a local support organization where she can connect with other women coping with loss and counsellors who can help guide bereaved parents through their grief. Do not rush her. Do bring over a prepared meal if you live nearby, or offer to take care of older children if she has them. Listen when she wants to talk about it. Sit together when she doesn’t. Hold her hand. Let her cry. When she’s ready, make a lunch date and get her out of the house.

Remember:

Despite what many folks think, a woman usually does not want to forget about the baby she has lost. If the child has a name, say it. She will be happy to hear it, even if it makes her sad. Many families plant a tree or have a ceremony of some kind to remember their baby. Ask about those plans. As the years pass, remember the date and reach out to let her know you’re thinking of her and that her baby is not forgotten.

Maternal wellness – in all its manifestations – is the heart and soul of Tenth Moon. Always has been. Always will be.

Mama’s Heart is for baby Malachi and his courageous Mama. And for every women who finds herself grieving the loss of a little one. You are loved.

Lindsay

Founder, Tenth Moon